We all fall into the comparison trap. It’s especially easy to do nowadays with the onslaught of beautiful family portraits, incredible accomplishments, and infallible physical perfection on social media. When you compare yourself to others, you automatically, and without really trying, tear yourself down by being your own worst inner critic.
This is especially true if you are a highly sensitive person (HSP). Not only are you hyper-aware of everyone else’s feelings, whether good or bad, but you are also wired differently than roughly 80% of the population. One of the issues many of my clients talk about is not feeling like they are “good enough” or that there’s something “wrong” with them because they experience life more deeply than others.
But I’m here to tell you: that’s not a highly sensitive person problem. It’s a highly sensitive person strength. Over time you can learn to see it that way.
(Psst...I can help! Contact Me!)
What Is The Comparison Trap?
In general, comparison isn’t necessarily always a bad thing. It can help fuel the competitive fire in you to help you achieve your goals. But the negative aspects of the comparison trap far outweigh the positives, especially for highly sensitive people. Basically, the comparison trap is when you measure your life against others and consistently think, “the grass is greener on the other side.”
Let me tell you, it’s an easy trap to fall into, especially with social media.
If you’re an HSP and an introvert, you likely keep many thoughts, feelings, and opinions to yourself. When you compare yourself to others, you spend time ruminating on their achievements and hold what you think about yourself in comparison inside.
And when those harsh inner critic thoughts stay inside and fester, that’s not going to result in anything positive.
Because you are a highly sensitive person, the comparison trap occurs more often than it might for non-HSPs. You look at social media, non-HSP siblings, friends, and coworkers and feel how you could “improve yourself” on a deeper level. This leads to negative self-talk and retreating away from others more than you already do, in fear of being a disappointment or “not good enough.”
And the best thing to do is to try to recognize and fight the comparison trap as much as possible.
Unexpected Times You May Step Into the Comparison Trap
Of course, you can probably recognize the easy-to-spot situations where you may step into the comparison trap:
Scrolling through social media
Watching co-workers receive praise and promotion
Living with non-HSP siblings and watching them seemingly thrive in life
Seeing others have successful dating and relationship experiences
Witnessing others around you get nice houses, jobs, and things
But as an HSP, there are other times you may fall into the comparison trap without even realizing it.
Loss of relationships: Highly sensitive people like yourself feel the loss of a relationship deeper than others. This goes for romantic and platonic relationships. You likey beat yourself up and tell yourself you “should have” done this or that better or blame yourself for being “too sensitive” or “overly emotional” and perhaps wish you were more like the other person.
Obviously, non-HSPs feel hurt when they suffer the end of a relationship or friendship. Still, they tend to move on more quickly because they don’t think, analyze, and empathize the way highly sensitive people do. And if you see them do this, you’ll likely end up criticizing yourself even more for not being “stronger.”
Personal failures: One significant issue highly sensitive people deal with is that you are your own worst critic - even more so than everyone else. When you make a mistake, you’ll remember it and beat yourself up over it for a lot longer than a non-HSP.
Many times, HSPs are perfectionists and you dislike when others watch you attempt something challenging. Because if you mess up or if you don’t do as well as others, you’ll start comparing and feel the stress and hurt of your self-labeled “failure” deeply.
Rest and recovery time: As an HSP, you experience overstimulation much easier than others. That means when you go to a doctor or dentist appointment, where you may encounter all sorts of stimulation through many of your senses, you won’t be able to bounce back as quickly.
Perhaps your co-workers can simply return to work right after they get a cavity filled. But for you? That might not be possible. You may need a little more time to decompress, rest and recover.
I’m telling you that’s perfectly okay. But being the highly sensitive person you are, you most likely compare yourself to your coworkers and may even put yourself in an uncomfortable and stressful situation by returning to work earlier than you should.
Steps to Take to Tame Your Inner Critic and Reduce Comparing Yourself to Others
The comparison trap is challenging to escape for anyone, especially when you are a highly sensitive person. But there are things you can do to help tame your harsh inner critic and limit comparing yourself to others.
Self-compassion: First and foremost, you must be gentle with yourself. I understand being hard on yourself and comparing yourself to others probably comes naturally to you. (Trust me, I’m an HSP too!) But it’s crucial you don’t look at your struggles as “highly sensitive person problems.” Sure, they are challenging things others may not have to deal with to your extent, but they allow you to experience life at a level many don’t get the chance to. Be kind to yourself. Be patient. And just be you.
Learn what you can about HSP: It’s a good idea to learn everything you can about being a highly sensitive person. Read as many books, articles, and newsletters as you can. Listen to podcasts and engage in conversations with knowledgeable people on the subject of HSP traits. The more you know and understand what makes you you, the better chance you have of accepting who you are and limiting how you compare yourself to others.
You can find some helpful resources here.
Make Friends with other HSPs: Sometimes, HSPs feel isolated, alone, and unlike everyone else. That’s why you need to hang out with other HSPs like yourself. Once you do, you’ll begin to understand you aren’t alone in the way you experience life. There are lots of people who feel the way you do. (There are lots of groups on Facebook you can join!)
Shut Down Negative Self-Talk: This one can be a bit challenging without the help of a mental health professional, but you can always give it a shot! Do your best about being intentional when you start hearing yourself compare yourself to others and engage in negative self-talk.
For example, you may look at a friend who just got married and think to yourself, “She’s so amazing. Of course she found someone special to marry. I’m too much work. Nobody will ever marry me.”
Even if you have trouble stopping yourself and flipping that thought around to tell yourself, “I’m happy for my friend, she’s so happy! I’ll find someone someday who will love me just the way I am,” identifying negative self-talk on your own is a great first step in trying to reverse comparison.
Get Help From an HSP Therapist: Working on understanding and loving yourself as a highly sensitive person can be challenging on your own. But you don’t have to do it alone. Finding an HSP therapist who understands your challenges and can help you work through them is crucial to battling the comparison trap.
You’re Not Alone. I Know How You Feel.
Not only am I an HSP therapist in the San Francisco Bay area, but I’m also a highly sensitive person who knows exactly how you feel. I’ve been where you are. I’m ready to help you learn more about your wonderful HSP qualities, how you can love yourself more, and what you need to do to free yourself from the comparison trap.
Contact me if you are in the Oakland and San Francisco Bay areas or are open to getting the help you need through a safe online platform from anywhere in California.
Self Reflection Questions:
If you’re still unsure about talking to me or another HSP therapist about how to tame your inner critic and limit engaging in the comparison trap, ask yourself the following:
Do I find myself ruminating on negative self-talk?
When I engage in social media, do I typically end up feeling bad about myself?
Do I spend a lot of time thinking about how others are “better” than me?
Name five positive things about yourself, then name five things you’d like to work on improving. Which list was easier to come up with? Why do you think it was easier?
Ready to work together? Contact me, and let’s get you on the road to loving yourself more.