While you’ve reached a certain age that identifies you as an “adult,” you still have an inner child. Everyone carries one inside. But if you experienced childhood trauma or neglect, your inner child is likely wounded and in emotional pain.
You may feel your inner child is vulnerable and small, requiring protection from more pain. And to protect yourself, you may have buried any pain you experienced. But unfortunately, hiding it inside won’t help you. It’ll only lead to difficulties as an adult. As a child, you did what you could to protect yourself and it’s important to remember that.
The Difficulties of Not Doing Inner Child Work
If you don’t do inner child work to heal, the pain you tried to hide can manifest itself later in life.
In other words, an unacknowledged wounded inner child means that as an adult, you revert to the behavior you may have displayed as a child to deal with painful situations. You may act out as a child would have a “temper tantrum,” have trouble making friends or find it challenging to trust others’ intentions.
The repercussions of neglect are far-reaching as well. As a child, you may have felt unloved, unaccepted, and forgotten. And if you don’t do inner child work, that pain can manifest in adulthood. Left unaddressed, you might feel an overwhelming desire to belong and feel accepted. In turn, this could lead to tolerating abusive behavior in relationships.
Inner child work may seem challenging and painful. But with the help and guidance of an experienced mental health professional, it could lead to living a happier, more fulfilling life.
Adverse Effects of Childhood Wounds
Inner child work is also called “reparenting” because that’s precisely what it is. It’s a chance to be a parent to yourself and teach yourself essential life skills you weren’t taught as a child. Some of these skills include:
Self-confidence
Absent and neglectful parents aren’t there to help children summon the courage to step outside of their comfort zone to gain experience and further opportunities. If you grew up in a neglectful and traumatic environment, you most likely didn’t have parents who taught you the importance of trying new things to gain independence and self-confidence.
This internalizes any “mistakes” made and forces you to focus on “failures.” If you are a highly sensitive person (HSP), this could be part of the reason you have such a harsh inner critic. If this sounds like you, it’s likely you have trouble trying new things and may find it challenging to be a leader.
Boundary setting
Growing up in a harmful environment means you were probably never taught to identify and respect your values and needs. In fact, you may not have had a safe space to express your needs for fear of upsetting your parent or caregiver.
If this was the case in your upbringing, you may have a tendency to compromise on your boundaries so you don’t upset others - a common challenge with highly sensitive individuals.
Children must be able to set healthy boundaries in relationships and be brave enough to stick to them. Reparenting yourself to teach yourself how to set boundaries and let go of people in your life who don’t respect you is valuable inner child work. Checking in with yourself and identifying and expressing your needs is another step in healing your inner child.
Communication skills
Healthy parenting means teaching children to successfully and authentically use verbal and non-verbal communication. That means children should learn how to listen and express themselves.
If you weren’t taught how to listen to others and effectively communicate as a child, you can’t expect to know how to do so as an adult.
Poor communication skills lead to poor relationships both personally and professionally. But the good news is, reparenting yourself can help.
Emotional regulation
One of the most impactful things a parent can teach their child is how to manage emotions. If you grew up surrounded by parents and adults who didn’t know how to manage their feelings, you likely behave the same way.
Children learn by watching the adults in their lives. So the only experience you may have had in learning to regulate emotions came from watching how emotions were or were not expressed in your family.
If yelling and hurtful words were how adults in your family expressed anger, then you may find yourself defaulting to expressing anger in that way as an adult. Growing up, your caregivers were your role models. And sometimes you have to unlearn things that weren’t helpful.
Unfortunately, if you aren’t taught how to identify and manage your emotions as a child, it can be really hard to do that as an adult. This leads to feelings of guilt and shame when you experience “negative” feelings like sadness and anger.
Steps Towards Healing Your Inner Child
By consciously working with your inner child, you can become your own parent. In turn, you can teach your inner child the things you weren’t taught growing up. Reparenting yourself can seem like an overwhelming and daunting task. But it’s extremely rewarding and healing.
Before beginning inner child work, you must first acknowledge your inner child. If you don’t know where to start, try beginning with tip number one on our “how to heal your inner child” list. From there, you can practice several exercises at home and in your everyday life when reparenting yourself.
See a therapist
Knowing where to start can be challenging. But it’s a good idea to practice reparenting yourself with the guidance of a therapist. Practiced mental health professionals like myself are trained in social-emotional skills and provide a safe place to help you practice new skills like reparenting yourself.
Dealing with past trauma can be highly distressing. There’s no need to do this inner child work on your own. Reach out to a therapist. You’ll be glad you did.
2. Journal from your inner child’s perspective
Journaling has long been an effective exercise in identifying patterns you wish to change in your adult life. Imagine what you may uncover when journaling as your inner child? This exercise in reparenting yourself can help you pinpoint certain unhelpful behaviors you now experience as an adult.
If you’re having trouble recalling specific feelings and emotions, it may be helpful to look at photos from your childhood. This could bring up challenging feelings and emotions, so be gentle with yourself.
3. Listen
Once you can identify and connect with your inner child, listening is essential. It’s possible no one listened to you growing up. Now it’s your chance to give back to yourself and really focus on your inner child. Give your inner child the time and attention they deserve.
Your automatic reaction may be to shut down and hide from the painful emotions you feel. While this is a normal response, to heal your inner child, it’s crucial to listen and make space for them. Get curious about your feelings and try taking a non-judgemental stance.
(Again, this may be more comfortable to do with the help of a qualified therapist.)
Some of the painful emotions that surface may include feelings of:
rejection
abandonment
insecurity
anger
guilt
shame
anxiety
avoidance
withdrawal
All of your feelings are valid and important. It could be helpful to remind your inner child of this and show that you understand their feelings. You can create an accepting and safe space free of judgment for your inner child to fully express their feelings.
4. Create an open dialogue with your inner child
Consider writing a letter to your inner child. You can inquire about what they need from you to feel safe, heard, accepted, and understood. With this exercise, you get to offer your inner child support and be who you needed when you were younger.
Sometimes your inner child needs to hear words of encouragement and gentle reminders from you. Write as yourself in the present and ask your inner child questions like:
“How can I offer you support?
“What do you need from me to feel safe?”
“What did you need that you didn’t get growing up?”
“How do you feel right now?”
Reparenting yourself by asking your inner child these questions can help you become more aware of the areas where you need the most inner child healing.
5. Mindfulness
Mindfulness can help you become more aware of painful emotions that arise when communicating with your inner child and reparenting yourself. Notice what thoughts, feelings, and sensations come up when you reflect on the questions above.
When challenging feelings arise, being mindful can help you make space for them by acknowledging and allowing yourself to feel them without judgement.
Mindfulness promotes better self-awareness and allows you to identify and pay more attention to emotions. It's an excellent way to notice when certain situations trigger unwanted emotional reactions or behaviors.
6. Get in touch with your playful side
One of the most rewarding practices with inner child work is to allow yourself to relax and play. Think of some fun things you liked to do as a kid and do them!
Go to the park and take a ride on the swings. Get an ice cream cone and skip stones in the lake. Watch a silly movie or television show. Do something that makes you smile and laugh.
Maybe your childhood was taken from you and you had to grow up too fast. Perhaps you didn’t get to experience much joy or playfulness. Or maybe you didn’t get to express yourself through play and creativity as a child but you sure as hell can give that to yourself now. Give yourself permission to play, have fun, and express yourself. You and your inner child deserve it.
Inner Child Work is Challenging. And You Don’t Have To Do It Alone.
There’s no shortcut when thinking about how to heal your inner child. But it is possible. And can add immense value to your everyday life.
As a trained HSP therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, I’ve helped adults just like you identify and work with their inner child towards healing.
When you reparent yourself, you get to hold your inner child’s hand whenever they’re afraid or feel unsafe. You can learn how to be what you needed when you were younger and how to best support your inner child. You get to be their safety net. Start your journey today.
Reflection Questions
What small step could I take this week in getting connected with my inner child?
How can I protect my inner child and help them feel safe?
How can I make space for playfulness and fun in my life?
How can I show my inner child some love and compassion?
My blog posts are simply my reflections and thoughts on mental health topics. These blog posts do not replace therapy or getting the support by a licensed mental health professional.